Friendship with Opposite Sex outside Marriage

As a new entrant in to the rediffiland, I have been curiously scanning the pages of co-members off and on and trying to fathom the nature of scripts caricatured by them on this vast canvas. I am amazed at the wide range of topics, as also the nature of complex issues raked up for public debate only to be further complicated by the diversity of human thought values and culture.

Interestingly, barring exceptions which are but few, most scripts are an ex-pression of people's inter-personal relations, feelings and emotions besides reactions and interpretations to these from the view point of the writer. The net essence of most emotional explodes betray a quest for equilibrium, harmony, peace and love and happiness in life, especially from our companions, partners, friends who are dear to us, and fellow humans who we are associated with. Fortunately or unfortunately relationships are a complicated matter, and it is interesting to note almost every one cribbing and complaining about neighbors, relatives, colleagues, and even people within their own families and close circles. Well if the world was really that bad, it is a nothing short of a divine miracle for humankind to have survived the vicissitudes of human prejudices, and vagaries of socio-cultural (and intellectual) diversities.

I have read in magazines and (now) in rediffiland blog-pages, of so many bright young hearts full of enthusiasm and hope from life,   bubbling with energy, seeking to conquer the sky as they go meandering in search of  love, fun, excitement freedom, sex and everything wonderful that one can imagine;   nothing short of "karlo duniyan mutthee mein".  But behold, it is not just the young hearts seeking all this – there is an entire gamut of adults too – single, married, divorced & widowed, besides married couples, gays and lesbians et all --- seeking a repeat-round of dampening love, lost happiness /freedom, vanishing excitement, waning sexual urge, all on account of marriage turning day to day events of life into a routine and reducing relationships into a stereo-type boredom. Its like having to listen to the same number 100 a day and having to live with it for 50-odd years.    The spark from the relationhip seems to be lost – so as a result -we seek for new spice, new relationships….. as some one wrote – "yeh dil mange more" .

So what's the problem? Problem nahin to aur kya? Shaadi ke baad kya options hai? Though it is both the partners that suffer boredom, neither has a way out (may be few may find a way out, for themselves), because of – (i) the jhamela of ethics and social values and (ii) the fear of the reaction of the partner (what would s/he think?). Men still get away with it, in a patriarchal society like ours but for women any connection out out marriage, however platonic, has serious overtones.

Fortunately we are in a more liberal age and a more liberal society (Delhi/ Mumbai etc) and are in a better position to talk it out and discuses these matters more openly.   We are exposed to a new value system and social order. Unlike in the earlier days, we now have access to explore numerous options through various means like net, blog etc.   What was once considered a grave sin and violation of social order is turned in to an accepted norm. We react to issues of pre-marital sex and extra-marital relationships more casually than ever before.

When sex has become a common subject for children and adolescents, why should the search for stimulating friendship with members of the opposite sex, be a taboo for married adults? The middle aged married Indians have suddenly awakened to this wisdom (rather reality) and have now started exploring these avenues to pep up their lives with spice, flavour or excitement! And why not?

One man, one woman for the entire life time was the order of the Sat Yug. What ever sublime values it may have professed, it is completely out of context in a more complex KaliYug. We may read Ramayana to remind ourselves of what the ideal was but with no intent to live it. Even as the Society transitioned from one Yuga to another, the core elements of human emotions and feelings (e.g. yarning for love, affection, search for soul mate, happiness, sex and companionship) have remained unchanged. Wish what you might, they will remain so in centuries to come. What might change, if ever, is the form in which these emotions are manifested.   

I revert back to the issue I was trying to discus – should marriage be a death blow to excitement and happiness in life? Should one look for the excitement only outside of marriage? I guess if the partners knew how to spice their lives even after 20 years of living together, they are lucky indeed.

But if they can't, they will invariably be forced to find that happiness and excitement else where, which means any one other than the spouse – either from the opposite sex or from the same sex. Unfortunately, human emotions are fragile. Continued love, excitement, adventure, companionship, sex provide a sense of security to both the partners. Any shift of attention of one's partner to some one else, poses a threat causing a sense of insecurity, unless the other partner is equally strong and capable of seeking happiness and excitement from his/her own  friends in an identical manner. 

To those who have lived a promiscuous life, pre-marital and extra-marital sex may not be issues of major concern.   (In the west extra-marital sex and sex with partners outside a steady relationship is a breach of trust). For those who choose to have a disciplined sexual behaviour both before and after marriage any breach of trust by either partner could cause grievous hurt.   But, for those who have lived a happy and contented conjugal life for several years and are seeking to spice up their lives, even after they have had children, the matter is a slightly more complex, as mutual consent would be mandatory. The definition and parameters of such relationships have to be mutually defined and lived by and there has to be the preparedness for taking up responsibility for the same.

But here comes another question. If married partners can tread in to traditionally forbidden domains with mutual consent, there is no need to feel compelled to live with in the bonds of marriage after all.  As it is, marriage as an institution has lost its significance in most countries of the west.  If the cycle of an India marriage constitutes the following – (wedlock  – love & sex – children – family-routine – boredom – boredom –  boredom – and    boredom which is  intermittently broken by occasional  excitements like  children's marriage  and  grand children) - there is no purpose served in falling in the trap and continuing to repeat the mistakes of our fore-fathers. There must be some way out to seeking prolonged excitement, exploration and experimentation followed by an inclination to stability, peace and lasting happiness.  If you are dying for the prescription,  read on -

Stay unmarried for as long as you could,  

Fill your life with fun and joy, you would

Have as many partners and change them at will,

Be sure, not to deny their right to dignity & thrill,

Enjoy the flavour, fun and everything you rave,

Till stability in relation, you begin to crave,

Time is ripe at 50, for marriage consideration,

For 15 years ahead, no naughty exploration,

At 65 & over, spouse! thy bossom friend shall be

Married, stable and happy, together you will be.